Bernie Madoff and You

Steve Fishman a reporter for New York Magazine got a strange call the other day.  Collect from Bernard Madoff.  Apparently Mr. Madoff--who was convicted of running the largest ponzi scheme EVER and bilking hundreds of clients and charity organizations for BILLIONS of dollars, wants the world to believe he is a good guy.  Here is a quote from the New York Magazine article:

And so, sitting alone with his therapist, in the prison khakis he irons himself, he seeks reassurance. “Everybody on the outside kept claiming I was a sociopath,” Madoff told her one day. “I asked her, ‘Am I a sociopath?’ ” He waited expectantly, his eyelids squeezing open and shut, that famous tic. “She said, ‘You’re absolutely not a sociopath. You have morals. You have remorse.’ ” Madoff paused as he related this. His voice settled. He said to me, “I am a good person.”

I must admit, even in the annuals of self delusion, this seems a little over the top. 

Or does it?

I find it a fascinating study in how far mankind will go to cover their wrong doing.  To avoid the emotional or moral consequences of devastating personal sin.

And psychology is right along there with them.  Validating, minimizing and justifying their actions.

The irony is that Mr. Madoff seems to recognize his own inherent wickedness.  He wonders if he is a sociopath.  Apparently he has even expressed remorse. Remorse!

But his claim of goodness seems generated from someone else. 

Make no mistake; I am sure that he desperately wants to believe it, but who wouldn’t?  With such a swatch of devastation left in his wake, how can the average man live with this?

The truth is, he can’t.

And here we sit at the cross roads of moral dilemma.

What to do about sin that slaps us in the face and defies us to ignore it.

One option might be to forget about it and pretend it does not and perhaps never did exist. But Mr. Madoff cannot forget what he did, because no one will let it him.

Blaming someone else is also a handy solution.  Apparently Mr. Madoff did at least some of this, accusing his clients of greed, and saying that government regulations are a joke.

Or one could attempt to assuage their conscience by trying to pay back the wrong that they have committed.  But sometimes as in Mr. Madoff’s case the debt is too big. 

Lastly, if all else fails, try to find someone who makes you feel better.

Lucky for Bernie, there is a prison therapist who will tell him that deep down he really is a good guy.

One could say in defense of therapists everywhere, that prison counselors are sure to be substandard, and no therapist in his right mind would tell Bernie Madoff that he is a good man.

But I don’t think that’s true.

The reason is that such thinking comes not from a single therapist, but from the flawed philosophical/theological foundation they stand on.

Namely that there is no right or wrong.  Only the ever-present situational ethic. 

Do what seems right at the time, and you can’t go wrong.

Bernie Madoff tried to do right, he kept the scheme up as long as he could, paid who he could, but in the end was a victim of the greed of others, and the pressure to out perform the market.  Right?

No, I don’t believe it either.

Jeremiah 17:9 says that the heart of man is desperately wicked. 

Not just wicked or desperate, but desperately wicked.  Combine the two, and you’ve got quite a fireworks display of evil.

The scary part is that this passage is not just talking about people like Bernie Madoff, it’s talking about you and me.

We are all little potential Bernie Madoff’s.

Hard to believe I know.  But our response to sin is often the same.

Maybe just not on that scale.  So we tend to minimize it.

Yet to God, our sin is far more egregious than we realize.  Whether we are a ponzi schemer, adulterer, liar, thief or closet luster.

We are not good people.  In fact according to Mark 10:18 no one is good but our Father in heaven. 

To tell people otherwise is to cover their sin in a very inadequate way. 

It is also to suppress the good news that God provided a way out. 

He died for our sin, and paid the debt that we rightly owe.

We are capable of being forgiven, cleaned and made right without all the mental gymnastics it otherwise takes.   

People have adopted this whole “I’m really a good person” mindset even when it flies in the face of incontrovertible evidence.

It may seem hard to believe, but if Bernie Madoff can do it, so can you.

When to let your kids ride the city bus.

Quick disclaimer.  After reading this you may think I am a horrible parent.

And you would probably be right.  At least some of the time.

Few parents set out to be overly restrictive and overly protective when it comes to the freedom your kids yearn for as they get older.

At the same time we want to be careful and wise when it comes to their relationships.

The reason being, this is one of those areas where kids are most likely to experience some of their greatest struggles. 

AKA peer pressure. Other kids will want your kid to join them in activities that may or may not be strictly parent approved.

Here’s where it gets funky-- what if you find that it is not just your kid, but you bowing to the pressures of others when it comes to what you allow your kid to do.

Case in point.

My daughter who is almost 13 wanted to go to the movies with a friend. Now this friend is not a Christian but I had met her before, and she was a nice kid.  At least she seemed to be.

Anyway, my daughter and I reviewed a couple of movies that we felt would be appropriate and it came time to drop her off at her friends house.

Well we got to the door, and the red flags started waving.  Not a “wack, wack” in your face type of wave, but more like “hello, I’m a nice little red flag.”

Now stay with me as this gets a little complicated.

The friend’s little brother (who I found out later was not her brother but another friend who was a boy) answers the door, and I said, “Hi, where’s your parents?”

They’re not here. (of course, it wasn’t actually his parents, but I did not know that at the time, and he knew what I meant.)

“Uh, well are they coming back?” I asked.

“Eventually.”

Flap flap.

So now I’m a little worried.  I want to know what the deal is.  So I ask my daughter’s friend.

“So how are you planning on getting to the movies?”

“We’ll take the bus.” 

The bus?  I think.  Where the child molesters and daughter killers hang out! 

(Note: If you ride the bus I am NOT talking about you!)

“Well.  I could take you guys and pick you up.”  I offer weakly.

“That’s OK says my daughters friend.  I have a few chores to finish before we go.”

She’s doing chores—that’s a good sign right?

“Plus we may see a couple of movies while we’re there.”  The not-brother chimes in.

Now I know what your thinking.  Red flags waving, pressure building, why have you not taken your daughter and left?

Cause I’m a huge failure of a parent.

Also I started doubting myself. 

Clearly the situation was not what I had originally assumed it to be, but I wondered if maybe I was being too restrictive.  I mean this kids parents let them take the bus and see movies on their own.  Was I just holding onto my own unreasonable fears?

Greek underworld no!

The problem was, that I was caught off guard, and given the seeming non-chalance on the part of my daughter’s friend, I doubted my convictions. 

I also did not want to ruin my child’s good time (very bad I know) since they are home-schooled and I like to promote good social interactions.

So I let it slide.

All right, I deserve to be strangled by the red flags.

But, as I drove away the nagging doubts started to get louder and louder and soon instead of accepting responsibility I got a little angry with my daughter because I felt like she was trying to pull a fast one, even though I was there the whole time.

I turned the car around, and started to head back, but fearing I would be too late, I pulled over and called her on the cell.  (Yes I really did pull over.)

When she answered, I communicated my doubts as well as the concern I had that maybe she had not been entirely truthful with me about the whole situation.

She responded by saying she was sorry that she not found out all the details, and had assumed a little too much herself. 

She also stated that her friend’s parents had arrived, and they were going to take them and that they were only going to see the one movie. 

Once again, decision time.   Given the seemingly sketchy nature of the situation I could easily have pulled the plug on the whole operation.  At the same time, the original parameters of the outing had been more or less reestablished, and my daughter was not demonstrating a rebellious attitude or anything that might otherwise force me to hit the kill switch.

I asked her to make sure it was the one we agreed on, and she said she would.

I also told her that if she had any level of discomfort, to call me, and I would come and pick her up immediately.

In the end, I could not blame my discomfort with the situation truly on my daughter, because I had heard the details of the visit for myself and still failed to act.

Why?

At least partly because of a fear of man.  Fear of man is sort of a biblical code word for being afraid of people having a negative opinion of you.

To this end, godly parenting can often be subverted by a desire to impress or acquiesce to the opinions and standards of other people, Christian and non-Christian alike.

This becomes especially apparent in the teenage years (and I also have a 22 year old daughter so I’m not just blowing smoke) when a variety of social opportunities arise for our youngsters.

So how do you handle these?

First let me say this: don’t let fear of what people think drive what you do.  Pursue a biblical standard, and stick to it. 

Second:  don’t think you can control every aspect of your child’s life even if you have the courage of your convictions.

These two things may seem a little at odds, but the reality is that parenting does not occur in a vacuum. 

It occurs in the context of relationship.

Simply possessing biblical standards does not automatically mean that your child will have any desire to adhere to them. 

Even establishing “rules” that your children have to follow while they are under your roof is not enough.

Ephesians 6:4 says that we are not to provoke our children to anger, but to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Again, relationship.

Our children are to be our disciples.  You can’t make a disciple by either ordering them around or letting them run free. 

They must be instructed diligently, faithfully and lovingly.

One thing that encouraged me about this whole situation with my daughter is that I have a lot of trust in her, not because she will never make a mistake, but because we have a good relationship, and we can work through these kinds of challenges.

Sometimes parents have a hard time trusting their kids, or their kids have been deceptive with them. 

The questions I ask are “What is your relationship with your child like? 

Do you simply enforce a set of rules that have not been talked about or explained? 

Do you demand obedience but withhold relationship--or in the very least not prioritize it?

Being able to dialogue with my daughter about my struggles as a parent, and in turn have her dialogue with me about her struggles as a child is critical to both of us growing in godliness.

Not that I abdicate my role as teacher and leader, but rather I am humble in my assertion of my authority, and gracious with her because I am aware of my own shortcomings.

As we continue to grow in Christ, and in our relationship with one another, trust between my child and I can build.

I might even let her ride the bus someday.

  

For a couple of great resources on parenting check out:

Shepherding Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp

Don’t Make me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman

Baby was I born this way?

Alright so I know I won’t be the first person to pick on Lady  Gaga, but this comment has nothing to do with her over the top personna or outrageous outfits. Actually I think she’s kind of creative and unique and I respect that.  But, I can’t help make some comments on her latest hit “Born This Way.”  The lyrics to the song are as follows:

It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M Just put your paws up

'Cause you were born this way, baby/ My mama told me when I was young

We are all born superstars/ She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on

In the glass of her boudoir/"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are"

She said, "'Cause He made you perfect, babe"/"So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far,/Listen to me when I say"/I'm beautiful in my way,

'Cause God makes no mistakes/I'm on the right track, baby/I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,/Just love yourself and you're set/I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way/(Born this way)/Ooo, there ain't no other way

Baby, I was born this way/Baby, I was born this way

Ooo, there ain't other way/Baby, I was born this way

I'm on the right track, baby/I was born this way

Don't be a drag, just be a queen/Don't be a drag, just be a queen/Don't be a drag, just be a queen/Don't be!/Give yourself prudence and love your friends

Subway kid, rejoice the truth/In the religion of the insecure

I must be myself, respect my youth/A different lover is not a sin

Believe capital H-I-M (hey, hey, hey)/I love my life, I love this record and

Mi amore vole fe yah/I'm beautiful in my way,/'Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby/I was born this way/Don't hide yourself in regret,

Just love yourself and you're set/I'm on the right track, baby/I was born this way

In case you decided not to read it all, the theme of the song seems to be that you are born a certain way, and instead of fighting that or feeling ashamed you should be proud of it and accept it.

This is a common message of our culture today.  Be who you are.

But what does that mean? Who are we and how do we find out?

We give “finding ourselves” a lot of play in our society, but it is such a nebulous concept as to be almost valueless.

For what its worth, I believe we could probably loosely define “finding ourselves” as doing that which deep down we really like to do.  As if there is an intrinsic list that is inherent to every person upon birth simply waiting to be discovered.

Now in fairness, I believe people are created with gifts and abilities that are unique to them.  And these ought to be used.  1 Corinthians 12 lists many.

But for what?

For our own glory?  For our own good?  For our own pleasure?

Romans 12 says we are to offer ourselves as living sacrifices to God and that we are not to think of our selves more highly than we ought.

This is a countercultural message.

Why?

Because it will often mean subverting our own pleasure and dare I say perhaps our own concept of identity for the good of another and the service of God.

Am I crazy?

OK I'm gonna get a little graphic here, but how would it be if every person after having sex with the person they want to sleep with, had a kid and then took no responsibility for that child?

What if instead they pursued their dreams, desires and passions at the expense of the child?

What would you end up with?

A society that aborts a lot of babies, puts a lot of kids in foster care, and boasts a high number of divorces and single family homes.

Sound familiar?

I'm not saying that all divorces and single family homes are the result of the sin of the people in them, and I wouldn't dare to trivialize the hardworking single parents who do the best they can in the situations they are in.  

But I do not think its unreasonable to say that many people in these circumstances have at the very least often experienced the business end of someone's selfish choices .

So how does this come back to Lady Gaga?

Well, what I have experienced message-wise from people like her and others is that we ought to be “ourselves” as long as it does not “hurt” anybody.

The problem is that its not always direct pain, but rather the indirect pain caused by the accumulation of the consequences of bad or selfish decisions that have the potential to destroy the lives of others well out of our field of view or immediate experience. 

Decisions that have only or mostly our own self interest at heart are like doses of poison that do not immediately kill but build up over a long period of time until we suddenly keel over dead.

Christians are called to be submitted to God, and to love and serve one another.  Therefore any decision that has only our own interest at heart without considering others or one’s place before the Creator is toxic to true Christ-like living.

To clarify, I’m not talking about small decisions such getting roast beef or turkey for lunch, but rather the decisions that include such things as who am I, what should I do for a living, or who should I “fall” in love with?

Like I said while we all have inherent gifts and abilities, that were given to us not for our own glory (see the parable of the talents in Matt 25) but to be used in the service of the King for His kingdom.  

Romans 6 says that if we died with Christ, we also live with Him.  As believers, then, our identity is bound inextricably with the person and work of Christ.   

We focus too often on genetic predispositions and not enough on character development.  The very things the Word has called us too.  These are not nebulous or difficult to discover, but rather they decorate the pages of every book of the Word of God.

According to Psalm 51:5 the way we were born was into sin.    

To follow sinful inclinations or philosophy that promotes that is folly.

We have been given a new life in Christ.

We have been reborn.

Let us live up to the calling of that birth.

The heart of tithing

A note on the whole tithing issue.

I think when it comes to both old and new Christians alike, one of the hardest things to understand is the gospel of grace. 

What I mean by this is the whole idea that we do not gain favor with God based on works. 

Time and again, the New Testamant declares that mere works do not make one righteous.  The examples of the rich young man Matt 16:23, the Pharisees Matt 23:23, Paul 2 Cor 11:22-30  and on and on declare that works that do not come from faith are worth nothing. 

Worse, they give the impression of righteousness without really delivering.

What counts is a soul submitted to the person and work of Jesus Christ.  A heart that loves God and lives to please Him.

Enter tithing.

Let me make this clear, I am not against tithing.  I think it’s a great principle to practice, and valid starting place for giving. 

But you are not more righteous if you do it.

I think people often give out of guilt or obligation guised in the garb of obedience. 

This is problematic, because it can become a starting place for legalism that binds people to a law they have been delivered from.  Romans 6:14 says clearly that we are no longer under the law, but under grace.

Now at the risk of sounding heretical should we not then evaluate not merely the fact that we give, but why we give?  Should we base our giving on obligation and a percentage amount, or on a desire to financially partner with the advancement of God’s kingdom?

I believe we ought to move toward the latter.

One of the concerns I have is that we tend to view tithing as a number we reach for, and having achieved that, the rest is ours to do with what we may.

That is not the case.  All of our resources are Gods.  Not just 10 percent.  No one can take self-righteous satisfaction for having reached that number, neither should they wallow in condemnation if they haven’t.

The danger of course is that people will interpret this freedom as license, meaning that they won’t give anything at all, or very little.  But this is always the challenge of living under loving grace.  With no concrete law to follow, how will we know if we are doing enough?

This has always been a struggle, but here is where the value of the law comes in.  It helps set guidelines that point us to the true law, that is, the higher law of love. 

The problem is that we will tend to default to the lowest common denominator, namely the minimum requirements of the law.

Jesus in Matt 23:23 said that the Pharisees were guilty of this in that they gave a tenth of their (wealth) but neglected the weightier things such as justice, mercy and faithfulness.  They obeyed the law of obligation, but not the law of love.

So given these principles how do we handle our finances? 

What we ought to consider is the nature of our hearts, and how finances are revealing what we truly value. Can we say of our spending that we possess a willingness to see God’s work done, and is our spending an act of worship?

My opinion is that we ought to give with joyful hearts an amount that we have determined in our hearts to give that is both in keeping with our income and generous.

Not only that, we must consider whether we or not we have truly committed our resources to the Lord?  All of them.

These include not only financial resources but talents and time as well. 

I fear that all too often we define righteousness as having met the “tithe” mark, but are unwilling to give beyond this of a resource that is infinitely more valuable. 

Ourselves.

Following your heart?

I went to a sort of writers support group for lack of a better word the other night, and it was an interesting experience.  No we weren't all there to say our first names and confess our struggles, rather we were there to talk about the things we are working on and how to get them "out there."   This blog post is not actually about that subject per se, but rather about the kind of content people describe themselves as writing.   Now before I say anything more, please understand that i am not trying to be critical, just making a note about how many people especially those in the world view what is important.  Basically it is the theme of being true to oneself.  This is interesting because it means so many things to so many different people.  We are encouraged in many circles to "follow our hearts."   The difficult part is that the Bible says that the heart is desperately wicked Jer 17:9.  Not just a little wicked, but pretty dang wicked.  So what do we do with that?  Clearly following one's heart can be a potentially problematic adventure, yet here are many authors (and people in modern society in general) seeing this as the penultimate goal in life.  What do you think?  

Alas..a blog

I actually started this blog several years ago, but never really got it going.  My interest has been for a long time to connect with people about counseling and discipleship issues in an ongoing way for the purpose of equipping and connecting on the issues that affect the body of Christ.  Hopefully this will have some value to that end.  Otherwise I will just have to post once every 5 years.