Quick disclaimer. After reading this you may think I am a horrible parent.
And you would probably be right. At least some of the time.
Few parents set out to be overly restrictive and overly protective when it comes to the freedom your kids yearn for as they get older.
At the same time we want to be careful and wise when it comes to their relationships.
The reason being, this is one of those areas where kids are most likely to experience some of their greatest struggles.
AKA peer pressure. Other kids will want your kid to join them in activities that may or may not be strictly parent approved.
Here’s where it gets funky-- what if you find that it is not just your kid, but you bowing to the pressures of others when it comes to what you allow your kid to do.
Case in point.
My daughter who is almost 13 wanted to go to the movies with a friend. Now this friend is not a Christian but I had met her before, and she was a nice kid. At least she seemed to be.
Anyway, my daughter and I reviewed a couple of movies that we felt would be appropriate and it came time to drop her off at her friends house.
Well we got to the door, and the red flags started waving. Not a “wack, wack” in your face type of wave, but more like “hello, I’m a nice little red flag.”
Now stay with me as this gets a little complicated.
The friend’s little brother (who I found out later was not her brother but another friend who was a boy) answers the door, and I said, “Hi, where’s your parents?”
They’re not here. (of course, it wasn’t actually his parents, but I did not know that at the time, and he knew what I meant.)
“Uh, well are they coming back?” I asked.
“Eventually.”
Flap flap.
So now I’m a little worried. I want to know what the deal is. So I ask my daughter’s friend.
“So how are you planning on getting to the movies?”
“We’ll take the bus.”
The bus? I think. Where the child molesters and daughter killers hang out!
(Note: If you ride the bus I am NOT talking about you!)
“Well. I could take you guys and pick you up.” I offer weakly.
“That’s OK says my daughters friend. I have a few chores to finish before we go.”
She’s doing chores—that’s a good sign right?
“Plus we may see a couple of movies while we’re there.” The not-brother chimes in.
Now I know what your thinking. Red flags waving, pressure building, why have you not taken your daughter and left?
Cause I’m a huge failure of a parent.
Also I started doubting myself.
Clearly the situation was not what I had originally assumed it to be, but I wondered if maybe I was being too restrictive. I mean this kids parents let them take the bus and see movies on their own. Was I just holding onto my own unreasonable fears?
Greek underworld no!
The problem was, that I was caught off guard, and given the seeming non-chalance on the part of my daughter’s friend, I doubted my convictions.
I also did not want to ruin my child’s good time (very bad I know) since they are home-schooled and I like to promote good social interactions.
So I let it slide.
All right, I deserve to be strangled by the red flags.
But, as I drove away the nagging doubts started to get louder and louder and soon instead of accepting responsibility I got a little angry with my daughter because I felt like she was trying to pull a fast one, even though I was there the whole time.
I turned the car around, and started to head back, but fearing I would be too late, I pulled over and called her on the cell. (Yes I really did pull over.)
When she answered, I communicated my doubts as well as the concern I had that maybe she had not been entirely truthful with me about the whole situation.
She responded by saying she was sorry that she not found out all the details, and had assumed a little too much herself.
She also stated that her friend’s parents had arrived, and they were going to take them and that they were only going to see the one movie.
Once again, decision time. Given the seemingly sketchy nature of the situation I could easily have pulled the plug on the whole operation. At the same time, the original parameters of the outing had been more or less reestablished, and my daughter was not demonstrating a rebellious attitude or anything that might otherwise force me to hit the kill switch.
I asked her to make sure it was the one we agreed on, and she said she would.
I also told her that if she had any level of discomfort, to call me, and I would come and pick her up immediately.
In the end, I could not blame my discomfort with the situation truly on my daughter, because I had heard the details of the visit for myself and still failed to act.
Why?
At least partly because of a fear of man. Fear of man is sort of a biblical code word for being afraid of people having a negative opinion of you.
To this end, godly parenting can often be subverted by a desire to impress or acquiesce to the opinions and standards of other people, Christian and non-Christian alike.
This becomes especially apparent in the teenage years (and I also have a 22 year old daughter so I’m not just blowing smoke) when a variety of social opportunities arise for our youngsters.
So how do you handle these?
First let me say this: don’t let fear of what people think drive what you do. Pursue a biblical standard, and stick to it.
Second: don’t think you can control every aspect of your child’s life even if you have the courage of your convictions.
These two things may seem a little at odds, but the reality is that parenting does not occur in a vacuum.
It occurs in the context of relationship.
Simply possessing biblical standards does not automatically mean that your child will have any desire to adhere to them.
Even establishing “rules” that your children have to follow while they are under your roof is not enough.
Ephesians 6:4 says that we are not to provoke our children to anger, but to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Again, relationship.
Our children are to be our disciples. You can’t make a disciple by either ordering them around or letting them run free.
They must be instructed diligently, faithfully and lovingly.
One thing that encouraged me about this whole situation with my daughter is that I have a lot of trust in her, not because she will never make a mistake, but because we have a good relationship, and we can work through these kinds of challenges.
Sometimes parents have a hard time trusting their kids, or their kids have been deceptive with them.
The questions I ask are “What is your relationship with your child like?
Do you simply enforce a set of rules that have not been talked about or explained?
Do you demand obedience but withhold relationship--or in the very least not prioritize it?
Being able to dialogue with my daughter about my struggles as a parent, and in turn have her dialogue with me about her struggles as a child is critical to both of us growing in godliness.
Not that I abdicate my role as teacher and leader, but rather I am humble in my assertion of my authority, and gracious with her because I am aware of my own shortcomings.
As we continue to grow in Christ, and in our relationship with one another, trust between my child and I can build.
I might even let her ride the bus someday.
For a couple of great resources on parenting check out:
Shepherding Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp
Don’t Make me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman
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