Men and Women's views of leadership

As an adjunct topic with relation to power struggles in marriage, I think it is also good to examine the nature of leadership in the home.
When it comes to this subject, I believe men and women may have drastically different perceptions about what that means.

I have spent my nearly my whole life in the sphere of evangelical Christendom, and years have seen the message communicated either explicitly or implicitly that leadership on the part of the man is roughly equivalent to power.

In a one sentence summary:  a man is to rule.

He is the king of his castle and while he is not a dictator per se, he is to be obeyed and submitted to.  Certainly he has an obligation to rule well, and be a godly man, but this seems often to take a back seat to being in charge.

Now while there certainly is biblical support for the man being the final authority in his home--see Eph 5, I believe there is little to no support for him being the intractable dictator he often becomes.

This I believe is more or less a culturally informed belief that stems from gasp choke a somewhat chauvinistic interpretation of scripture.

Now before you run off thinking I have given up to the feminazis, let me explain.

In modern Christendom, we have a tendency react against culture in a way that at times causes us to rebound in the opposite and often equally destructive extreme.

So when culture in the 60’s talked about equality and stature for females, we reacted by asserting the authority of men and the subservience of women.

What comes to mind is the 50’s Stepford wives with beehive hair and readily available plates of cookies.

But is that what God has really called the family structure to look like? 

One of the cornerstone passages on family relations Ephesians 5, verses 22-24 call wives to be in submission to husbands.  Okay score one for the strong men.

But the following nine verses communicate how husbands are to love their wives in a sacrificial way that imitates Christ himself.  In fact this admonishment is three times longer than the same section for the ladies!

What are the implications of this?

Basically men often read the first three verses about women submitting and stop there.  They go on to define love for their wives and leadership of their families as putting a roof over their heads and food on the table.  In fact some go so far as to think, that in being compared to Christ and His role over the Church that they are gods!

Now this may seem a bit of an exaggeration, but I have heard over and over from men that they work 40, 50, 60 hours a week to provide for their families, and then end up with wives who have no appreciation for them.

In fact, all they get are nagging women who want more, more, more!

But then I talk to the wives and I hear a different story.

I hear a story about men who when they come home, want their wives to drop everything and attend to their needs.  I hear about men who tune out the family to watch football, because after a long day of hard work, they say they deserve it. 

I hear about men who want sex, but don’t want to engage their wives emotionally.

Now if you’re a guy and your sitting there thinking, “Yeah, so?”  Then clearly there is a problem.

Ephesians 5:25-33 does not merely talk about a man’s role as a leader in the home, it redefines it as one of service.

Mark 10:45 confirms this, in that even Christ who came from a place of unimaginable glory in heaven humbled himself and died and inglorious death as a ransom for many.

If men are to be like Christ to their wives then they must understand that rather than being alpha male gorillas who command their family with a silverback’s zeal, what wives really desire and need is a man who truly cares about the welfare of his family. 

A man who does not take them for granted, or view the provision of food and shelter as the end all be all of husband and fatherhood. 

A man who loves his family not only enough to die physically for them, but to die figuratively when it comes to valuing them over such vile temptresses as Monday night football.

A man who is strong enough to share his struggles and vulnerabilities, and continue to seek to be like Christ even when he feels like a failure.

These are not traditional definitions of manhood, but reflect the tender and honest sensitivity that is the hallmark of true strength and godliness.

Power and Marriage

The first real meat we'll dive into is the whole concept of power in a marriage.
Now this may seem somewhat ironic, or perhaps laughably absent in some of your marriages.
You feel powerless.
You can't even be allowed the simple and beautiful act of putting on a new role of toilet paper without getting chewed out.
Or go to see a movie of substance and quality where people talk about real issues and not blowing things up without igniting (no pun intended) a major protest. 
On the other hand, you may be the one who for whatever reason does have the power AKA control in the relationship--though to be honest I think most people would resist being thought of this way.
Rather than being powerful though, you feel like you are the one's who are responsible.
You are the one's charged with making sure bills are paid, the toilet paper put on correctly, and the entertainment culturally acceptable.
In the end, it is easy to see how power struggles ( no matter which side of the fence your on) can be a major issue in marriages.
But why do they occur?
What does this problem say about our understanding of God and the core beliefs we possess about others in relationship to ourselves.
In order to answer that question, we have to ask ourselves, what it is we want.
Maybe you can list of a whole host of things--security, respect, money, affection, peace and quiet, alone time, good financial management, peanut butter sandwiches...and on and on.
Now none of these things are necessarily wrong in and of themselves, but when you are willing to sin--ie do what is wrong  in order to get them, then we have a problem.
Those things have become so important that you are driven to attempt to orchestrate, manipulate, authoritate or "whatevertate" to get them.
In order to do that you need power over other people and situations.
That pursuit of power becomes a subtle obsession, because you find yourself getting angry, fearful, anxious or irritated when things are not going the way you think they ought to or you want them to.
Even things that on the outside may seem good.
Take for example finances.  What couple hasn't had some tense conversations over that subject, especially in difficult a recession?
So lets say one spouse is concerned with how the other spouse is spending their hard earned money.
It could be what groceries are bought, what cable channels are chosen, or what kind of car you drive, where you live or any of a hundred different things.
In the end there is disagreement about how things should go, and the impediment to compromise, or acceptance of the other's desires is prevented by a conviction that you are right, and in being right have the prerogative to flex your muscles power-wise.
Power is essentially equivalent to freedom in that freedom is really the ability AKA power to do what I want irregardless of anyone else.
Could be that because we place such a high value on personal freedom, that we have begun to think we always ought to have things our way?
Whatever factors may exist, it is this enthronement of self that keeps us from being able to truly love others as we should and be in right relationship with them and with God.
Philippians 2:3-4, says that we should consider others better than ourselves and look not only to our own interests, but also the interests of others. 
Mark 10:45 reminds us that the Son of Man (Christ) came not to be served, but to serve, and give his life as a ransom for many.
Power then is something that ultimately belongs in the hands of God, for only he is loving and wise enough to control things in a way that best benefits all involved.
We must then submit ourselves to the sovereignty of God, and do things according to his Word.
In marriage and any other relationship I am in, this means that when I do not get what I want I still handle things in a loving and humble fashion that seeks the best good of the other.
To do this we must give up our perceived rights and follow Christ's example of loving in a way that serves.
It is this crossroad of power and serving love that reveals an opportunity for the direction of our marriages.
Which way we choose to go can make all the difference in the outcome.

Quick diversion--The Voldemort in all of us.

Recently the Harry potter series came to a dramatic conclusion with the final confrontation between Harry and his super evil antagonist Voldemort coming to a head.  In light of this I recently read an interesting article in Psychology today about the "Voldemort in all of us."  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/grand-rounds/201107/the-stanford-prison-experiment-is-there-bit-voldemort-in-all-us
The basic premise was that we (humans) have a tendency to villify others who commit heinous crimes, but fail often to recognize or come to terms with the evil that is resident in all of us, seemingly waiting for an opportunity to rear its ugly head.  Case in point the Stanford prison guard experiment conducted 40 years ago that had students role play as prisoners or guards, and waited to see how their identities would be affected by their randomly assigned roles. 
It got ugly. 
The experiement had to be terminated because for ethics reasons, but essentially the guards were becoming abusive. http://www.prisonexp.org/
Many of the guards seemingly were surprised at their ability and even tendency to treat people with such disregard for their welfare.
So what does that tell us? 
Well according to the prophet Jeremiah writing some 3000 years prior to the Stanford experiment, the "heart is desperately wicked, who can understand it?" (Jer 17:9)
Understanding this, what can we do.  What if Voldemort is lurking inside all of us?
Clearly we need not merely an awareness of this potential for evil, but a way to overcome it.
For that I refer you to Romans 7:24.  "Who will save me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God in Christ Jesus our Lord!"
Even if your not a Christian you have to admit, that sounds a lot more promising than "Expelliarmus!"

Mahwagh Part 2--Power Pleasure and Praise defined

Part Dos

As we look at the kinds of things we worship we have to ask what forms this idolatry takes.
But before I assume you know what idolatry is, let me just clarify a little.
I am not talking about bowing down to a little statue of Budda located in your entryway or possibly a small shrine in the foyer. 
I am talking about the kinds of things that capture our hearts.  The kinds of things we will give up everything else to pursue because we think that thing will provide the satisfaction, fulfillment, joy, pleasure, whatever it is that we think we need to live a happy life. 
But instead of trying to identify each and every little thing (such as neapolitan sugar wafers--which I loooovveee) I like to think in terms of major categories. 
These are--drumroll please:  power, pleasure and praise.
Okay maybe that's decidedly anticlimactic, but let me explain why they are so important.
These three areas represent general categories under which fall almost all other forms of idolatry.  They are also the areas in which we are most likely to serve ourselves in, in opposition to God. 
For example I may value the praise of people not God.
I may want the power to do what I want, instead of trusting God.
And last I may seek pleasure that is only self serving, and not glorifying to God.
The irony is that when these three areas are in right alignment with our relationship to God, all is well--generally speaking. 
Why? 
These areas represent forms of worship that can draw us toward or away from God and man depending on how they are approached.
Let me give you an example.
Power.  What is power?  It is the desire for control over the situations, events, people, circumstances you name it, that I am confronted with in day to day life.
But who really has control?  God.  He alone is sovereign over all things and worthy of unmitigated worship.
So where do I want power in my life? 
Probably just about everything. 
In fact if you are a Christian, it was probably your recognition that you were powerless over the sin in your life that drove you to the cross in the first place.   
If you are not, then it is probably power which keeps you hesitant to give up control to a being who is outside yourself.
But Christian or non we all indulge in a healthy dose of control freakishness in our daily lives. 
We want to eat the food we like, we want to be with the people we like, we want to do what we like. You get the idea.
Now again, sometimes power, pleasure and praise are not always bad--I mean hey who doesn't enjoy the pleasure of killer Thai food once in a while.  But if you are willing to sin either directly or indirectly in order to get it or keep it, or you think that Thai food is going to be the source of ultimate fulfillment in your life, well then we have a problem.
So, having laid this groundwork, next time I would like to relate how these three areas impact our walks with God, our relationships others and our spouses in particular.

Mahwahg iz wot bwings uz toogever--Part 1

Alright I promised and did not deliver a series on marriage.  So let it begin.

Part Uno

First a little bit about me.  I have been married for almost seventeen years--in August I will have been.  The irony is that sometimes it seems both longer, and quite a bit shorter.
Why ironic?
Well I think people tend to view bad times as taking foooorrrreeevvvverr, and good times as flying by.  My marriage has been a little bit of both.  Well actually heaps of both. 
My wife and I are closer now than we have ever been, and I would say that I am still as "in love" with her as I was early on in our relationship.  The problem is that back then I was a self satisfied punk who probably had no idea what real love was anyway,  so what ever love I felt is probably not a good gauge for the love I feel now.
So let me rephrase that.
I love my wife more now that I ever have.  It is a deeper love matured like a fine wine that is now capable of far more flavor and delight than it was when it was young.
But it has not been easy to get there, and to be honest, its still not easy. 
Marriage, and indeed any relationship takes work.  But it is a labor of love that like a farmer tending his fields yields a wonderful harvest.
Not that I am comparing women to fruits or vegetables--though my wife's name does mean fertile valley, but you get the idea.
In this series, I want to deviate a little from the typical "man's role as husband" and "woman's role as wife" narrative that often permeates Christian marriage advice, and focus instead on three major forms of what I like to call relationship idolatry and how they impact our most intimate and personal human relationship--our marriage.
What are those forms of idolatry?
They are Power, Pleasure and Praise.
During the next post I will unpack what they are exactly, and how they relate to marriage.  

It has begun.

Missing a Friend

I know this post may seem a bit depressing, but it reflects the emotions I was experiencing at the time of the event.  The context is that  I was on my way home from out of town, when I received a call I had been dreading, and that was that a friend of mine who had been battling stage four liver cancer had died.  I am not entirely sure if there is a great "wrap up" to this particular post, but I think what I am attempting to communicate is that it is okay, even as a people who are looking toward something greater in heaven to struggle by the grace of God, with the reality of the now.

It is hard to know how to feel.
A friend of mine died last night.
He was not too old--28 but he had cancer--stage four liver cancer.
Not good.
I think I knew from the day he told me that he was going to die.
But I wanted to be suprised
I wanted to see him get well.
We prayed for him, anointed him with oil, and he took medicine.
But he died anyway.
I know God has a reason, has a plan, I was just hoping it would be for healing.
I know my friend would not argue with God's decision.
And I am not arguing either, but...
I still wish it was different.
I don't miss him yet, its too early.
But I will, and I guess its that thought that that most saddens me.
I will see him soon--after all, life is but a vapor, and eternal life with Christ is forever.
It is to this hope that I look, and try to find joy.
An eternity with God and his children.
For now, I feel the bittersweet grief of someone passing beyond my reach, but knowing they are close to God.
But all my emotions are still a bit of a mess.
Its hard to know how to feel.

A three stranded cord

Lately there has been a lot of coverage on the news about bullying.  Many questions are raised as to what to do about it, and how to manage it.  I suspect in our culture we will eventually pass laws outlawing bullying (probably already have)  but this will I think I the end do little stop the day to day bullying offenses that make up such a large portion of our collective human experience.

Let consider the facts about bullying, for I think the phenomenon is neither very complex nor difficult to understand.  Essentially it involves one person picking on another person.  This could be physical or emotional, but certainly both forms can be equally damaging. 

What troubles me most though is the fact that very often the thing that is needed most AKA outside intervention is the thing that happens only rarely.  Sometimes a kid will go and get a teacher, or sometimes others will help.  But both of these things happen far less often than they should.

What is often the case is that everyone stands around feeling uncomfortable while someone else gets picked on.  Maybe they don’t join in, but they are complicent in the act.   

There is a video on the net about a “fat kid”  being picked on, and finally the kid getting bullied defends himself and picks up the bully kid and body slams him to the ground.  Most comments applaud the big kid, but I think it’s horrific.  Clearly there were other kids around--you see them passing by.  Someone is filming it for heaven’s sake!  Why did no one step in?

In another video, a mother is encouraging her son to beat up another boy, while they are viciously attacking one another. It is broad daylight on a public street.  Again the camera is rolling, and people are just standing around.  Finally someone does step in, and calls in to question to the fight and it breaks up. 

But this is far from the norm.

Psychology has a term for this, and I think its quite provocative.  Its called diffusion of responsibility.  In diffusion of responsibility essentially everyone else thinks everyone else should do something, but no one does anything.  The responsibility is divided by the number of people in the crowd, and each person owns only a little of it.  Therefore my conscience is only pricked a little because I can defend myself by saying, “Well they were there too.”

This however is not what God has called us to do or be.  We are called to be like Christ, and He is a God who defends the rights of the oppressed (Psalm 82:3, Prov 23:11, Isaiah 1:17) to name just a few. 

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”   We are called to be unified in our walk through this life, and to help one another in times of need even if it involves a bullying situation.

I will end with a situation of my own where I was honestly quite cowardly in my actions.  It was my freshman year in high school, and I was friends with a guy who was somewhat less than popular.  We were walking to the bus after school, and a group of other kids whom we both knew confronted us.  For no reason other than to amuse themselves, they began to target my friend for abuse.  Knocking his books down, calling him names and picking on him.  I told my friend we should just leave, but we couldn’t get away.  Not only that, if I am truly honest, I did not want to get on the bad side of those kids either. 

I am ashamed of how I acted, or more rightly, failed to act.  They were popular, and I cared what they thought.  My fear of what other people would think, or how I might be treated trumped my willingness to do what was right and show love to my friend by defending him-even if it meant potential harm to me physically or relationally. 

Looking back I would be glad to have gotten a black eye for my friend

The happy ending comes though when my older brother materialized out of the blue, and asked what was going on.  He immediately confronted the bullies and without a moments hesitation faced off with them.  He told them if they did any thing to my friend, they were going to have to deal with him and they backed down.  The look in my friend’s eyes was one of complete gratitude.

Two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

    

Bernie Madoff and You

Steve Fishman a reporter for New York Magazine got a strange call the other day.  Collect from Bernard Madoff.  Apparently Mr. Madoff--who was convicted of running the largest ponzi scheme EVER and bilking hundreds of clients and charity organizations for BILLIONS of dollars, wants the world to believe he is a good guy.  Here is a quote from the New York Magazine article:

And so, sitting alone with his therapist, in the prison khakis he irons himself, he seeks reassurance. “Everybody on the outside kept claiming I was a sociopath,” Madoff told her one day. “I asked her, ‘Am I a sociopath?’ ” He waited expectantly, his eyelids squeezing open and shut, that famous tic. “She said, ‘You’re absolutely not a sociopath. You have morals. You have remorse.’ ” Madoff paused as he related this. His voice settled. He said to me, “I am a good person.”

I must admit, even in the annuals of self delusion, this seems a little over the top. 

Or does it?

I find it a fascinating study in how far mankind will go to cover their wrong doing.  To avoid the emotional or moral consequences of devastating personal sin.

And psychology is right along there with them.  Validating, minimizing and justifying their actions.

The irony is that Mr. Madoff seems to recognize his own inherent wickedness.  He wonders if he is a sociopath.  Apparently he has even expressed remorse. Remorse!

But his claim of goodness seems generated from someone else. 

Make no mistake; I am sure that he desperately wants to believe it, but who wouldn’t?  With such a swatch of devastation left in his wake, how can the average man live with this?

The truth is, he can’t.

And here we sit at the cross roads of moral dilemma.

What to do about sin that slaps us in the face and defies us to ignore it.

One option might be to forget about it and pretend it does not and perhaps never did exist. But Mr. Madoff cannot forget what he did, because no one will let it him.

Blaming someone else is also a handy solution.  Apparently Mr. Madoff did at least some of this, accusing his clients of greed, and saying that government regulations are a joke.

Or one could attempt to assuage their conscience by trying to pay back the wrong that they have committed.  But sometimes as in Mr. Madoff’s case the debt is too big. 

Lastly, if all else fails, try to find someone who makes you feel better.

Lucky for Bernie, there is a prison therapist who will tell him that deep down he really is a good guy.

One could say in defense of therapists everywhere, that prison counselors are sure to be substandard, and no therapist in his right mind would tell Bernie Madoff that he is a good man.

But I don’t think that’s true.

The reason is that such thinking comes not from a single therapist, but from the flawed philosophical/theological foundation they stand on.

Namely that there is no right or wrong.  Only the ever-present situational ethic. 

Do what seems right at the time, and you can’t go wrong.

Bernie Madoff tried to do right, he kept the scheme up as long as he could, paid who he could, but in the end was a victim of the greed of others, and the pressure to out perform the market.  Right?

No, I don’t believe it either.

Jeremiah 17:9 says that the heart of man is desperately wicked. 

Not just wicked or desperate, but desperately wicked.  Combine the two, and you’ve got quite a fireworks display of evil.

The scary part is that this passage is not just talking about people like Bernie Madoff, it’s talking about you and me.

We are all little potential Bernie Madoff’s.

Hard to believe I know.  But our response to sin is often the same.

Maybe just not on that scale.  So we tend to minimize it.

Yet to God, our sin is far more egregious than we realize.  Whether we are a ponzi schemer, adulterer, liar, thief or closet luster.

We are not good people.  In fact according to Mark 10:18 no one is good but our Father in heaven. 

To tell people otherwise is to cover their sin in a very inadequate way. 

It is also to suppress the good news that God provided a way out. 

He died for our sin, and paid the debt that we rightly owe.

We are capable of being forgiven, cleaned and made right without all the mental gymnastics it otherwise takes.   

People have adopted this whole “I’m really a good person” mindset even when it flies in the face of incontrovertible evidence.

It may seem hard to believe, but if Bernie Madoff can do it, so can you.

When to let your kids ride the city bus.

Quick disclaimer.  After reading this you may think I am a horrible parent.

And you would probably be right.  At least some of the time.

Few parents set out to be overly restrictive and overly protective when it comes to the freedom your kids yearn for as they get older.

At the same time we want to be careful and wise when it comes to their relationships.

The reason being, this is one of those areas where kids are most likely to experience some of their greatest struggles. 

AKA peer pressure. Other kids will want your kid to join them in activities that may or may not be strictly parent approved.

Here’s where it gets funky-- what if you find that it is not just your kid, but you bowing to the pressures of others when it comes to what you allow your kid to do.

Case in point.

My daughter who is almost 13 wanted to go to the movies with a friend. Now this friend is not a Christian but I had met her before, and she was a nice kid.  At least she seemed to be.

Anyway, my daughter and I reviewed a couple of movies that we felt would be appropriate and it came time to drop her off at her friends house.

Well we got to the door, and the red flags started waving.  Not a “wack, wack” in your face type of wave, but more like “hello, I’m a nice little red flag.”

Now stay with me as this gets a little complicated.

The friend’s little brother (who I found out later was not her brother but another friend who was a boy) answers the door, and I said, “Hi, where’s your parents?”

They’re not here. (of course, it wasn’t actually his parents, but I did not know that at the time, and he knew what I meant.)

“Uh, well are they coming back?” I asked.

“Eventually.”

Flap flap.

So now I’m a little worried.  I want to know what the deal is.  So I ask my daughter’s friend.

“So how are you planning on getting to the movies?”

“We’ll take the bus.” 

The bus?  I think.  Where the child molesters and daughter killers hang out! 

(Note: If you ride the bus I am NOT talking about you!)

“Well.  I could take you guys and pick you up.”  I offer weakly.

“That’s OK says my daughters friend.  I have a few chores to finish before we go.”

She’s doing chores—that’s a good sign right?

“Plus we may see a couple of movies while we’re there.”  The not-brother chimes in.

Now I know what your thinking.  Red flags waving, pressure building, why have you not taken your daughter and left?

Cause I’m a huge failure of a parent.

Also I started doubting myself. 

Clearly the situation was not what I had originally assumed it to be, but I wondered if maybe I was being too restrictive.  I mean this kids parents let them take the bus and see movies on their own.  Was I just holding onto my own unreasonable fears?

Greek underworld no!

The problem was, that I was caught off guard, and given the seeming non-chalance on the part of my daughter’s friend, I doubted my convictions. 

I also did not want to ruin my child’s good time (very bad I know) since they are home-schooled and I like to promote good social interactions.

So I let it slide.

All right, I deserve to be strangled by the red flags.

But, as I drove away the nagging doubts started to get louder and louder and soon instead of accepting responsibility I got a little angry with my daughter because I felt like she was trying to pull a fast one, even though I was there the whole time.

I turned the car around, and started to head back, but fearing I would be too late, I pulled over and called her on the cell.  (Yes I really did pull over.)

When she answered, I communicated my doubts as well as the concern I had that maybe she had not been entirely truthful with me about the whole situation.

She responded by saying she was sorry that she not found out all the details, and had assumed a little too much herself. 

She also stated that her friend’s parents had arrived, and they were going to take them and that they were only going to see the one movie. 

Once again, decision time.   Given the seemingly sketchy nature of the situation I could easily have pulled the plug on the whole operation.  At the same time, the original parameters of the outing had been more or less reestablished, and my daughter was not demonstrating a rebellious attitude or anything that might otherwise force me to hit the kill switch.

I asked her to make sure it was the one we agreed on, and she said she would.

I also told her that if she had any level of discomfort, to call me, and I would come and pick her up immediately.

In the end, I could not blame my discomfort with the situation truly on my daughter, because I had heard the details of the visit for myself and still failed to act.

Why?

At least partly because of a fear of man.  Fear of man is sort of a biblical code word for being afraid of people having a negative opinion of you.

To this end, godly parenting can often be subverted by a desire to impress or acquiesce to the opinions and standards of other people, Christian and non-Christian alike.

This becomes especially apparent in the teenage years (and I also have a 22 year old daughter so I’m not just blowing smoke) when a variety of social opportunities arise for our youngsters.

So how do you handle these?

First let me say this: don’t let fear of what people think drive what you do.  Pursue a biblical standard, and stick to it. 

Second:  don’t think you can control every aspect of your child’s life even if you have the courage of your convictions.

These two things may seem a little at odds, but the reality is that parenting does not occur in a vacuum. 

It occurs in the context of relationship.

Simply possessing biblical standards does not automatically mean that your child will have any desire to adhere to them. 

Even establishing “rules” that your children have to follow while they are under your roof is not enough.

Ephesians 6:4 says that we are not to provoke our children to anger, but to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Again, relationship.

Our children are to be our disciples.  You can’t make a disciple by either ordering them around or letting them run free. 

They must be instructed diligently, faithfully and lovingly.

One thing that encouraged me about this whole situation with my daughter is that I have a lot of trust in her, not because she will never make a mistake, but because we have a good relationship, and we can work through these kinds of challenges.

Sometimes parents have a hard time trusting their kids, or their kids have been deceptive with them. 

The questions I ask are “What is your relationship with your child like? 

Do you simply enforce a set of rules that have not been talked about or explained? 

Do you demand obedience but withhold relationship--or in the very least not prioritize it?

Being able to dialogue with my daughter about my struggles as a parent, and in turn have her dialogue with me about her struggles as a child is critical to both of us growing in godliness.

Not that I abdicate my role as teacher and leader, but rather I am humble in my assertion of my authority, and gracious with her because I am aware of my own shortcomings.

As we continue to grow in Christ, and in our relationship with one another, trust between my child and I can build.

I might even let her ride the bus someday.

  

For a couple of great resources on parenting check out:

Shepherding Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp

Don’t Make me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman

Baby was I born this way?

Alright so I know I won’t be the first person to pick on Lady  Gaga, but this comment has nothing to do with her over the top personna or outrageous outfits. Actually I think she’s kind of creative and unique and I respect that.  But, I can’t help make some comments on her latest hit “Born This Way.”  The lyrics to the song are as follows:

It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M Just put your paws up

'Cause you were born this way, baby/ My mama told me when I was young

We are all born superstars/ She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on

In the glass of her boudoir/"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are"

She said, "'Cause He made you perfect, babe"/"So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far,/Listen to me when I say"/I'm beautiful in my way,

'Cause God makes no mistakes/I'm on the right track, baby/I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,/Just love yourself and you're set/I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way/(Born this way)/Ooo, there ain't no other way

Baby, I was born this way/Baby, I was born this way

Ooo, there ain't other way/Baby, I was born this way

I'm on the right track, baby/I was born this way

Don't be a drag, just be a queen/Don't be a drag, just be a queen/Don't be a drag, just be a queen/Don't be!/Give yourself prudence and love your friends

Subway kid, rejoice the truth/In the religion of the insecure

I must be myself, respect my youth/A different lover is not a sin

Believe capital H-I-M (hey, hey, hey)/I love my life, I love this record and

Mi amore vole fe yah/I'm beautiful in my way,/'Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby/I was born this way/Don't hide yourself in regret,

Just love yourself and you're set/I'm on the right track, baby/I was born this way

In case you decided not to read it all, the theme of the song seems to be that you are born a certain way, and instead of fighting that or feeling ashamed you should be proud of it and accept it.

This is a common message of our culture today.  Be who you are.

But what does that mean? Who are we and how do we find out?

We give “finding ourselves” a lot of play in our society, but it is such a nebulous concept as to be almost valueless.

For what its worth, I believe we could probably loosely define “finding ourselves” as doing that which deep down we really like to do.  As if there is an intrinsic list that is inherent to every person upon birth simply waiting to be discovered.

Now in fairness, I believe people are created with gifts and abilities that are unique to them.  And these ought to be used.  1 Corinthians 12 lists many.

But for what?

For our own glory?  For our own good?  For our own pleasure?

Romans 12 says we are to offer ourselves as living sacrifices to God and that we are not to think of our selves more highly than we ought.

This is a countercultural message.

Why?

Because it will often mean subverting our own pleasure and dare I say perhaps our own concept of identity for the good of another and the service of God.

Am I crazy?

OK I'm gonna get a little graphic here, but how would it be if every person after having sex with the person they want to sleep with, had a kid and then took no responsibility for that child?

What if instead they pursued their dreams, desires and passions at the expense of the child?

What would you end up with?

A society that aborts a lot of babies, puts a lot of kids in foster care, and boasts a high number of divorces and single family homes.

Sound familiar?

I'm not saying that all divorces and single family homes are the result of the sin of the people in them, and I wouldn't dare to trivialize the hardworking single parents who do the best they can in the situations they are in.  

But I do not think its unreasonable to say that many people in these circumstances have at the very least often experienced the business end of someone's selfish choices .

So how does this come back to Lady Gaga?

Well, what I have experienced message-wise from people like her and others is that we ought to be “ourselves” as long as it does not “hurt” anybody.

The problem is that its not always direct pain, but rather the indirect pain caused by the accumulation of the consequences of bad or selfish decisions that have the potential to destroy the lives of others well out of our field of view or immediate experience. 

Decisions that have only or mostly our own self interest at heart are like doses of poison that do not immediately kill but build up over a long period of time until we suddenly keel over dead.

Christians are called to be submitted to God, and to love and serve one another.  Therefore any decision that has only our own interest at heart without considering others or one’s place before the Creator is toxic to true Christ-like living.

To clarify, I’m not talking about small decisions such getting roast beef or turkey for lunch, but rather the decisions that include such things as who am I, what should I do for a living, or who should I “fall” in love with?

Like I said while we all have inherent gifts and abilities, that were given to us not for our own glory (see the parable of the talents in Matt 25) but to be used in the service of the King for His kingdom.  

Romans 6 says that if we died with Christ, we also live with Him.  As believers, then, our identity is bound inextricably with the person and work of Christ.   

We focus too often on genetic predispositions and not enough on character development.  The very things the Word has called us too.  These are not nebulous or difficult to discover, but rather they decorate the pages of every book of the Word of God.

According to Psalm 51:5 the way we were born was into sin.    

To follow sinful inclinations or philosophy that promotes that is folly.

We have been given a new life in Christ.

We have been reborn.

Let us live up to the calling of that birth.

The heart of tithing

A note on the whole tithing issue.

I think when it comes to both old and new Christians alike, one of the hardest things to understand is the gospel of grace. 

What I mean by this is the whole idea that we do not gain favor with God based on works. 

Time and again, the New Testamant declares that mere works do not make one righteous.  The examples of the rich young man Matt 16:23, the Pharisees Matt 23:23, Paul 2 Cor 11:22-30  and on and on declare that works that do not come from faith are worth nothing. 

Worse, they give the impression of righteousness without really delivering.

What counts is a soul submitted to the person and work of Jesus Christ.  A heart that loves God and lives to please Him.

Enter tithing.

Let me make this clear, I am not against tithing.  I think it’s a great principle to practice, and valid starting place for giving. 

But you are not more righteous if you do it.

I think people often give out of guilt or obligation guised in the garb of obedience. 

This is problematic, because it can become a starting place for legalism that binds people to a law they have been delivered from.  Romans 6:14 says clearly that we are no longer under the law, but under grace.

Now at the risk of sounding heretical should we not then evaluate not merely the fact that we give, but why we give?  Should we base our giving on obligation and a percentage amount, or on a desire to financially partner with the advancement of God’s kingdom?

I believe we ought to move toward the latter.

One of the concerns I have is that we tend to view tithing as a number we reach for, and having achieved that, the rest is ours to do with what we may.

That is not the case.  All of our resources are Gods.  Not just 10 percent.  No one can take self-righteous satisfaction for having reached that number, neither should they wallow in condemnation if they haven’t.

The danger of course is that people will interpret this freedom as license, meaning that they won’t give anything at all, or very little.  But this is always the challenge of living under loving grace.  With no concrete law to follow, how will we know if we are doing enough?

This has always been a struggle, but here is where the value of the law comes in.  It helps set guidelines that point us to the true law, that is, the higher law of love. 

The problem is that we will tend to default to the lowest common denominator, namely the minimum requirements of the law.

Jesus in Matt 23:23 said that the Pharisees were guilty of this in that they gave a tenth of their (wealth) but neglected the weightier things such as justice, mercy and faithfulness.  They obeyed the law of obligation, but not the law of love.

So given these principles how do we handle our finances? 

What we ought to consider is the nature of our hearts, and how finances are revealing what we truly value. Can we say of our spending that we possess a willingness to see God’s work done, and is our spending an act of worship?

My opinion is that we ought to give with joyful hearts an amount that we have determined in our hearts to give that is both in keeping with our income and generous.

Not only that, we must consider whether we or not we have truly committed our resources to the Lord?  All of them.

These include not only financial resources but talents and time as well. 

I fear that all too often we define righteousness as having met the “tithe” mark, but are unwilling to give beyond this of a resource that is infinitely more valuable. 

Ourselves.

Following your heart?

I went to a sort of writers support group for lack of a better word the other night, and it was an interesting experience.  No we weren't all there to say our first names and confess our struggles, rather we were there to talk about the things we are working on and how to get them "out there."   This blog post is not actually about that subject per se, but rather about the kind of content people describe themselves as writing.   Now before I say anything more, please understand that i am not trying to be critical, just making a note about how many people especially those in the world view what is important.  Basically it is the theme of being true to oneself.  This is interesting because it means so many things to so many different people.  We are encouraged in many circles to "follow our hearts."   The difficult part is that the Bible says that the heart is desperately wicked Jer 17:9.  Not just a little wicked, but pretty dang wicked.  So what do we do with that?  Clearly following one's heart can be a potentially problematic adventure, yet here are many authors (and people in modern society in general) seeing this as the penultimate goal in life.  What do you think?  

Alas..a blog

I actually started this blog several years ago, but never really got it going.  My interest has been for a long time to connect with people about counseling and discipleship issues in an ongoing way for the purpose of equipping and connecting on the issues that affect the body of Christ.  Hopefully this will have some value to that end.  Otherwise I will just have to post once every 5 years.